i think i have two assholes
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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