she was so not down for the gang bang
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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