just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
