you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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