Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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