may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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