I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
