Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
