I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
