she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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