the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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