I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
