Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
