omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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