how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
