mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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