omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
