Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
