i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
