She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
