Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
