i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
