she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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