I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
