Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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