I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize