Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
