hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
