Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
