I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
