I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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