textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
