the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
