I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
