Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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