she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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