I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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