Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
