he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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