Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
