i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
