Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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