i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
