best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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