He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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