I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize