You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
