I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
