theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize