Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
