I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
