I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
