Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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