you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
