I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
