I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
why do cheetos always look like penises
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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