so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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