On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I met the friendliest cop last night
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
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