Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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