When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
