Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
