it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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