just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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